Heading Into MY Year

The last post of 2006... I give this year a B. It was a HELL of a lot better than '05, but left a bit to be deisred. Not too complain, though, lest the fates punish me. Overall, a year of growing pains, but I'm left at the end of the year in a happy spot, looking forward with MUCH excitement to what '07 is bringing.

Looking forward to:
New York!!!!
enjoying Austin and my loved ones during the early part of the year
finishing my first play and FINALLY getting done with this book (cross our collective fingers)
my niece celebrating her 3rd birthday in February, her first with her whole family
more challenges that will peel away the old, scared, timid me to make way for more newness
my debut in print: the infamous poetry collection
friends visiting me in New York
more reasons to smile!
new writing projects
taking better care of myself
living somewhere where everyone else's expectations of me are far away

2007 is going to be MY year. I've been on an upward slope since the end of '05 (which, as we all know was SHITTY). The momentum will maintain and I'll be doing great things. I'm more excited than I've been in a long time. Just a few more hours to go and we're on to the next stage...

J

The Writing Gears Are Turning...

So, I'm trying my hand at a play now... It's slow going. I'll be doing good for about half a page, then hit a wall and wonder what the hell the characters should say next. For a short story writer, it's hard to not put in paragraphs of stage direction. But, it's a good challenge for me. And it's only a ten-minute play with two characters. Baby steps...

I also have a poetry competition to enter by the 1st. Of course, my poem isn't even through the first draft. Nothing like a deadline to kick a procrastinator's ass into gear, though.

It's good to have projects on the line again. Great to feel productive again.

Wish me luck!

J

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all! :) It's come around again. And 2006 is almost over! 2007 will be the year for me. I can feel it...

There are a lot of things I want to leave behind in 2006. I need to redirect my energy. If I put just a quarter of the energy into myself that I do into others (read: men), I'd be much closer to reaching my goals. 2007 will be my time to finally do that. I have so much writing to do. And who knows what New York's holding for me. Possibilities again. Exciting stuff...

At this point, I'm just glad to have made it through another year. I've survived another 12 months thanks to family and friends who've let me make my mistakes and then helped me clean the mess afterward.

Anyhow, I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season and has exciting things coming up in the new year. It can only get better from here...

Much Love,

J

A Brief, Bratty Interlude

Did I mention my niece (AKA: The Terror) is in town?

the niece: (as she eyes my loose change)my coins, my coins, my coins
my mom: those aren't yours
the niece: my coins, my coins
my mom: those are your uncle's
the niece: my coins, my coins, my coins
my mom: stop being stingy with other people's things
the niece: (walks off in a huff) peace out, gammy!

Looking for a Different Love

Funny how some things make you evaluate how you've progressed over time. My ex made a serious bid this past weekend for us to get back together and we had a long discussion/argument about what happened the first time around and why we can or can't (depending on who you ask) do it all over again. Anyhow, it made me realize that when we first got together, I was looking for someone to take care of me, which is probably why I had no problem being a househusband for over two years.

No more. I'm looking for someone to complement me now--someone I can be part of a team with. I want someone I can grow with and support while he supports me in reaching my goals.

Some things, however, don't change. I'm still looking for that crazy, consuming love. And I always will be looking for that. Nothing about love should be lukewarm or casual. I know that passion exists because I've had it. Unfortuntely, it hasn't lasted yet, but it will.

No more looking for a caretaker. I want a partner. I want someone I can be crazy in love with and who will feel the same about me. It's a matter of keeping the faith now, which gets difficult at times...

J

My Bed Misses Me...

No one should ever be this tired and be expected to function normally. And with my sister and niece coming in this weekend, rest is nowhere in sight. I've gotta push into overdrive mode until after Christmas. Pray for my sanity, y'all.

Off to work. All is still well there. Well, except for the pay, of course. I need to hurry up and find another job before I grow anymore content with this one. Why can't the good jobs have good pay? :(

J

Scary Thought...

Where would we be as a society without Sex and the City? :p

I'm Ready!

I am so sick, it's ridiculous. I haven't felt this out of it in a long time. I'm stuffed up, my head's foggy, and my eyes feel like they're about to pop out of my head. The worst part is I have no idea what I have. For a while, I wrote it off as allergies, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's all sitting in my throat. I'm hoping it's just a really bad cold.

Anyhow, I've already booked this weekend. I can't afford to go out of commission. Too much to do, people to see that I haven't seen in too long. Maybe a good shower will perk me up. That and a nap. I'm sure going out drinking last night didn't help any, but who am I to pass up a good night out with friends? Sometimes, duty calls. :p

Oh, and I came to a realization a couple nights ago. I was at a bar with my best friend and we were talking about things in general (there's nothing like a good two-hour conversation with your best friend) and, of course, relationships came up (when don't they), and I realized--I'm ready for love. Sounds strange, I know. Kind of random. But it's one of those things that happens and you don't even notice it until you catch up with yourself.

Now, that may sound basic, but after the emotional toll of the last couple of years, I became a champion at avoiding any kind of emotional attachments. But I'm open to it now. I read somewhere that things happen when we will them to happen, that we have more control over circumstances than we think we do. Well, I'm announcing to the universe that I'm ready to go at it again. This doesn't mean I don't appreciate the time that I've been single or that I'm going to rush into handing over my heart again. But I need some good love again. It's that time.

J

Poems, the Past, and Future Misadventures

Damn, it feels good to be blogging again, even if most of it is me babbling. And thanks for reading. Makes the world a little less lonely. :)

Anyhow... Week two on the new job. Still not bad. As long as I have my music, the day goes by fairly quickly. And it doesn't get any easier than entering new employee forms all day. Not the most exciting job, but after being unemployed for two months, anything is a relief.

So, a friend of mine does book binding and we've been thinking about binding one of my poetry collections for a few months now. We're aiming for after the new year to start getting to business on that. So, I spent a lot of last night and today going back over the collection--tightening up some of the poems, rearranging the whole thing (what was I thinking when I put it together), rearrranging it again. Anyhow, point being, reading all that took me back. I write the majority of that collection while I was in my "dark period" during my first few months in San Diego (and I thought California wouldn't show up in this blog) and, DAMN, the things that can happen in a short time! That's another thing that scares me besides the whole "When someone you know becomes someone you knew..." deal. I try not to think too far ahead anymore because so much can happen in just a month. Hell, just a month ago, I had no idea I'd be moving back to Austin. And a few months before that, New York was just a seed of an idea in my mind. Who woulda thunk I'd work up the nerve to take a two week trip east by myself? I'm still shocked at myself for considering moving out there. As I've told plenty of people, I have no idea what's pulling me out there, but I'm following it.

I still have plenty of doubtful moments. Those voices in my head scream "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Especially now that I'm back home. Those same voices are urging me to settle. And Lord knows I wouldn't mind settling down for a bit. But I know I can't do that here. Not yet. Again, don't know why. Just know I can't. It would be easy, but I've got more misadventures waiting for me.

Either way, New York is waiting. Who knows what'll happen out there. But, I survived CA; I'll survive the other coast. Just gonna enjoy this quiet Austin interlude while I can.

J

When Someone You Know Becomes Someone You Knew...

You know what scares me? You never know when someone's going to fade from your life. No matter how intimate you may become with someone--emotionally and/or physically--you can have them at your side without ever knowing that a few months later, they'll be gone like they were never there.

I was thinking about my last two relationships (I use that term loosely) and how much I put into them, emotionally speaking, and how they're gone. Just gone. I dunno. Maybe I'm missing something from my head, but I can't get my mind around that. Granted, nothing lasts forever, but you would think if you give so much of yourself to someone, your investment would be somewhat safe. Makes me think of the Linda Ronstadt song, "Blowing Away." Bonus points for anyone who knows that one.

Anyhow... I can't make sense of it. I read once on someone's MySpace page that "The saddest thing is when someone you know becomes someone you knew." That's stuck with me ever since. And it's happened too frequently in the last two years. Some emotional security would be nice.

J