Tectonic Shift

Damn, time has gotten away from me again.

Writing is in high gear. I've got a few projects going at once, which seems to be a good way for me to work, even if not the most efficient. I submitted a story to the Boston Review on Monday, which was a big step since I haven't submitted anything in years. I'm really hoping for this one because the ficiton editor, Junot Diaz, is a writer I VERY much admire. I read his book, Drown, about a year ago, and was blown away.

Also getting ready to enter a few poetry contests. Doing some research, tuning up old poems, all that fun administrative stuff. Poetry has never been my strong point, but what the hell? I've got enough stored away with all the poems I wrote in California, and a new one omes along every now and then. Might as well do something with them. Besides, I like to think I have as much a chance as anyone else.

I've also got an old short story I'm wrestling with to get it into shape for submission. It's slow-going, as always, but it's going, at least. Still feels good to put one word in front of the other. I feel like a writer these days. :D

Aside from writing, this is a very interesting time. The following probably won't make much sense, but hopefully I can make more sense of things as time goes on. There's been quite a lot going on in my head. As all good Catholics know, it's Lent. Every time I try to give something up, I always slip and end up on a 40-day self-induced guilt trip. So I took a different route. I decided to let go of my resentment. And when I stepped back and looked at how much resentment I was harboring... I am one angry person! Well, that's no news flash. But I was surprised at how angry I really am. That can't be healthy for anybody.

So... I'm finally learning how to "Let go, let God." As one of my favorite writers, Anne Lamott says, you can't heal your sad, sick mind with your sad, sick mind. I've been holding on to these hurts for a long time and trying to wrestle with them on my own. I've been taking the WRONG approach. But, me being the stubborn person I am (who, me, stubborn?), it takes me a while to get to these points where I can admit that.

So, things have been shifting in my head. Something big is happening and I can't say what it is. I know it's painful at times. But I also know that, in the end, this is all what I need to do. I need to finally get on with my life, let hurt and let people go. We all have lives to live. I need to learn to see certain people as they are, not as symbols of my pain. I need to look at exes and see them as people, not "you bastard who broke my heart back then." It's easier said than done, of course, but knowing what I have to do is a step, no?

I feel like this doesn't even explain the half of it. My head has been so muddled lately, I can't put the majority of it into words, but, like I said, hopefully it will become clearer with time. And I'll be able to explain more of it in time. I just know that I'm in the middle of a a very basic--and large--change.

The plates are shitfting, y'all. Let's see where they end up...

J