An (Unwanted) Emotional Shift

I've been avoiding this page for a while now. My head is so full lately. I'm torn between detachment and longing for a connection. I hate to sound like some sentimental headcase. I do know, though, that some change is coming about. Something in my head is shifting and, until it's done, I can't put my finger on it.

All that made absolutely no sense... Maybe that's because it's four in the morning.

Let's start small. Writing-wise, things are going well. I made an attempt at my first play. I recently finished a ten-minute play for a contest a good friend told me about. Now, it would be great to get some kind of recognition through the competition, but I really did it to stretch myself, to see if I could write a play. After writing the first draft, I was depressed as hell about what I had perceived as an utter failure. I called my best friend as soon as I had finished and told him we needed to go for drinks. After wrestling with it through about three more drafts, though, I'm proud of my little play and very satisfied with it. I sretched myself as a writer, which is always a good feeling. So the result of the contest is an afterthought. I did what I set out to do and increased my writing confidence. Good writing start to 2007.

Now that I got that out of the way, I'm rewriting a short story that seems to have missed the mark from the reaction I've gotten from my faithful readers. It's slow, frustrating work. But it always feels good to be working, to pile one word on top of the other and know that I'm producing something, even if it is a terrible pile of crap that's going to need endless revision.

Emotionally, 2007 is off to an interesting start. I've been single for over a year now, and I'm grateful for that. Singledom--for the most part--has been great for me (never thought I'd hear myself say that). For once, a relationship and the desire for one has been in the deep background of my mind while I get on with other things. Granted, I can't lie and say I don't miss the perks. But I've been fine without. Lately, though, I've been really missing it. Seems that I'm coming back to myself, emotionally speaking. Most would probably say this is a good thing, that it's healthy and a sign of healing and all that good stuff. I agree with them in the technical sense. Yes, I agree that I couldn't be detached forever, that this is a necessary swing of the pendulum. I liked being detached, though. It's been great not being so... Searching for the right word... Emotional. Being practical for once and just getting on with things has been great. Focusing simply on what I want, not spending myself emotionally on ony particular person. I had spent far too much doing that.

I have some wildly optimistic friends who rant and rave that love will find me soon, that I'll be surprised by it all over again. Maybe I'm just too jaded, but I don't know if I want it to surprise me. I don't know that I want to be "swept off my feet" again--ever. I like having my feet on the ground now. I know that sounds terribly unromantic, and, again, I'm shocked to hear this coming from myself. But I guess the bottom line is I'm wary of love now, and of emotion in general.

So I debate with myself constantly: How much should one let go? How much can I fight myself when I know, way deep in there, that I do miss being with someone? Ih ave so much on my plate right now, should I be willing to sacrifice even the smallest part of that? I'm not so sure this time around. Maybe the next one will have to do the sacrificing. As cruel as that may sound, I think I've done my sacrificing; I don't feel willing to do anymore. Or perhaps that's a sign in itself that I'm not ready after all?

J