Still FUNKy

I've managed to pin down at least one part of this funk. I've got this heavy, nasty feeling of loneliness. I don't know where it sprang from or how it snowballed like this, but I haven't felt like this in a good while. There's a feeling of isolation from everything around me, and it's scary. Detachment. That's the word I'm looking for. It's hard for me to get excited about anything now. When I was in New York, I looked like a stunned kid, with a goofy smile plastered in my face. That's the last time I remember being excited.

Now... I'm just blah. I wake up, go to work (which is going pretty well) and zone out with my data entry. Then I come home, pass a few hours, and go to bed to do it again.

I'm restless, too. As soon as I get home, I'm looking for someone to call or somewhere to go. I have the feeling I'm subconsciously avoiding whatever's going on with me. It's hard for me to even sit down and write anymore, despite how much I know I have to get some work done. And when I can't write, that's bad news. Makes me feel crazier when I haven't written.

Anyhow, I hung out with my best friend last night and it did wonders. He's one of the few people who can make me laugh when I feel this down. I can't rely on that everyday, though. Maybe I'll feel better after a shower. I hope all is well and everyone's getting into the holiday spirit.

J

Working Man!

So I start a new job tomorrow. I'll be doing data entry at a temp job. Still looking for a "real" job. Let's hope, because jobs here in Austin don't pay like they did in San Diego (although I still don't miss San Diego much).

This is the first real step to getting to New York. Granted, the pay is crap and I don't plan to stay long at this job, but it's something. I can start getting back on my feet financially (because I have not been this broke in a long time) and socking away for the big move.

From what the temp agency told me, this should be a cool job for the time being. It's a casual work environment, and let me tell you, after wearing a shirt and tie to work for eight months, that's a huge relief. The guy who interviewed me at the agency worked this temp job I'm going into for six months and had good things to say about it. Just so long as it's tolerable. I'm not looking for a dream job while I'm in Austin. That'll come in New York. :)

So my little vacation is over. Time to get back to a routine and punch in and out every day. I'm glad to be working again, though. I don't know how I was a househusband once upon a time. Having nothing to do has been driving me crazy. I haven't felt this unproductive since before I went back to school. I'll have to go out and celebrate when I get the first check...

J

Great Expectations

New chapter, new blog. I decided to keep blogging, but my first blog is done. It holds California. This will hold what's next. The "transition" stage.

So I've been home for almost two weeks now. And I am in a FUNK, which doesn't make sense to me. I'm home! This is where I've always been happiest. But I'm not feelin' it right now--"it" being everything.

I've felt drained for a while now. And it's no one thing. There are several reasons I could point out. Dealing with what I thought was the beginning of a relationship. Moving back home and leaving behind my sister, my niece, and my friends in California. Frustration with the story I'm working on right now. Being in between two stages of my life.

That's a big one, being in between. New York looms in my mind. I'm excited about it, but also scared out of my mind. But I'm still determined as ever to get there. Just a general feeling of restlessness until I get there.

It's funny... I'm reading Great Expectations now and I feel like I'm reading my own story. Well, I'm not ashamed of where I came from like Pip is, but I do feel that sense of dislocation now in my home city. It's like I've been cut out of it and am just repasted on top of it now, not really embedded like I was before. It's like something's been knocked loose inside of me and I don't know if it'll ever be put back.

Who knows what's next? For now, I feel like I'm just floating. Aimless, clueless, anxious. Maybe I'll feel more grounded when I get outta this funk. I hope so. Just holding on for now for whatever comes next...

J