2007: A Musical Review

2007 has been the epitome of ups and downs. It started so well, with me being back in Austin and having a fresh, unjaded outlook. Anything was possible. And my heart was finally beginning to open again. And it ended with the impossible-to-comprehend loss of another relationship. That's a huge height to fall from, but as Alicia Keys sings:

"Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor."

I hit it. And I cried.

But there are moments when I think:

"I'm 'bout to change my vibe.
Today the sun's gonna shine
'Cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days."

But, unfortunately, those moments don't always hold, and then the pain rushes in to fill the vacuum and I feel like I'm losing my mind:

"I tread a troubled track;
My odds are stacked.
I go back to black."

Then I start to whine and wonder why the hell it's so hard to get what I want:

"All I want is for your love to be all mine,
But the angels won't have it.
All I want is just a little peace of mind,
But the angels won't have it.
I thought I had a piece of my soul left to sell,
But I guess it's just as well.
'Cause the angels won't have it."

And then the darkest moments close in, when the jungle drums beat their loudest and I'm sure I can not, will not get past this. And I'm doomed to never find a love that lasts:

"Though I battle blind,
Love is a fate resigned.
And the memories,
They mar my mind.
Love is a fate reigned.
O'er futile odds
And laughed at by the gods.
And now the final frame:
Love is a losing game."

I thought I had finally discovered "what's next." I thought I had found the life I could settle into. But, what was next was change. Again.

But...

"I am changing,
Seeing everything so clearly now.
I am changing,
I'm gonna start right now, right here.
I'm hoping to work it out,
And I know that I can.
But I need you,
I need a hand."

Finally, after 12 years, I'm ready to let go of the anger and bitterness that had become ingrained in me. I feel like I'm finally blooming out of my old husk. Hopefully, that's not too grand of a wish. But I could NOT have come this far without my friends. I won't mention any names, but I owe more than I can ever repay to the people who have been my shoulders, and my ears, and my angels.

Everything considered, it's been rough. The pain sucks. It does. And it's unavoidable. Well, I could avoid it as I've always done before, but it always comes back if we don't deal with it; we have to pay our dues one way or the other. But I am learning. And I'm changing. And it's time. I'm getting closer to the person I can be.

Even through the pain, I'm making it. Just one foot in front of the other. I'm still hurting too much to do anymore than that. But I'm doing it, with the grace of God and the help of my friends (more grace). And as I say goodbye to this blog to make way for a new one, one thing is for certain:

"I am Superman.
Yes I am
(Yes he is).
'Cause even when I'm a mess,
I still put on my vest
With an 'S' on the chest,
oh yes, I'm a superman!"

J

Just a Year...

Oh, the things that can happen in a year... I was reading my posts from last December, when I was barely coming back to myself emotionally, I was set to move to New York in the summer, and I was finally OK. After the hell of CA and relationships and disappointments, finally, I was OK.

And now... It's a completely different world. I've found and lost love again, and it's shaded everything. I had said in a post last winter that I didn't want to get swept off my feet again. But I was. And it was wonderful. And now I've lost him. Again.

The things that can happen in a year...

J

Signpost

So it's been almost two months... I've been avoiding this blog. For several reasons. I didn't want any remnants of my relationship staring me in the face. I didn't want to whine and rant; I've been doing plenty of that with friends in person.

It's been nearly two months since I've been thrust back into singledom. Can I say it's gotten easier? I wish I could. I'm just more erratic now. I can go so quickly from being fine to having to double over from memories. How do I do this? How did I do this? It's like starting a new story. No matter how many stories you write, you always start the new one with a blank page, no prescribed instructions. It's a little terrifying each time. And even though I've been through the end of six relationships, I wonder how I ever did it. How did I fill the void that was left behind? How do I stop remembering everything? How am I supposed to imagine everything without him, when I had done everything with him?

J