2007: A Musical Review

2007 has been the epitome of ups and downs. It started so well, with me being back in Austin and having a fresh, unjaded outlook. Anything was possible. And my heart was finally beginning to open again. And it ended with the impossible-to-comprehend loss of another relationship. That's a huge height to fall from, but as Alicia Keys sings:

"Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor."

I hit it. And I cried.

But there are moments when I think:

"I'm 'bout to change my vibe.
Today the sun's gonna shine
'Cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days."

But, unfortunately, those moments don't always hold, and then the pain rushes in to fill the vacuum and I feel like I'm losing my mind:

"I tread a troubled track;
My odds are stacked.
I go back to black."

Then I start to whine and wonder why the hell it's so hard to get what I want:

"All I want is for your love to be all mine,
But the angels won't have it.
All I want is just a little peace of mind,
But the angels won't have it.
I thought I had a piece of my soul left to sell,
But I guess it's just as well.
'Cause the angels won't have it."

And then the darkest moments close in, when the jungle drums beat their loudest and I'm sure I can not, will not get past this. And I'm doomed to never find a love that lasts:

"Though I battle blind,
Love is a fate resigned.
And the memories,
They mar my mind.
Love is a fate reigned.
O'er futile odds
And laughed at by the gods.
And now the final frame:
Love is a losing game."

I thought I had finally discovered "what's next." I thought I had found the life I could settle into. But, what was next was change. Again.

But...

"I am changing,
Seeing everything so clearly now.
I am changing,
I'm gonna start right now, right here.
I'm hoping to work it out,
And I know that I can.
But I need you,
I need a hand."

Finally, after 12 years, I'm ready to let go of the anger and bitterness that had become ingrained in me. I feel like I'm finally blooming out of my old husk. Hopefully, that's not too grand of a wish. But I could NOT have come this far without my friends. I won't mention any names, but I owe more than I can ever repay to the people who have been my shoulders, and my ears, and my angels.

Everything considered, it's been rough. The pain sucks. It does. And it's unavoidable. Well, I could avoid it as I've always done before, but it always comes back if we don't deal with it; we have to pay our dues one way or the other. But I am learning. And I'm changing. And it's time. I'm getting closer to the person I can be.

Even through the pain, I'm making it. Just one foot in front of the other. I'm still hurting too much to do anymore than that. But I'm doing it, with the grace of God and the help of my friends (more grace). And as I say goodbye to this blog to make way for a new one, one thing is for certain:

"I am Superman.
Yes I am
(Yes he is).
'Cause even when I'm a mess,
I still put on my vest
With an 'S' on the chest,
oh yes, I'm a superman!"

J

Just a Year...

Oh, the things that can happen in a year... I was reading my posts from last December, when I was barely coming back to myself emotionally, I was set to move to New York in the summer, and I was finally OK. After the hell of CA and relationships and disappointments, finally, I was OK.

And now... It's a completely different world. I've found and lost love again, and it's shaded everything. I had said in a post last winter that I didn't want to get swept off my feet again. But I was. And it was wonderful. And now I've lost him. Again.

The things that can happen in a year...

J

Signpost

So it's been almost two months... I've been avoiding this blog. For several reasons. I didn't want any remnants of my relationship staring me in the face. I didn't want to whine and rant; I've been doing plenty of that with friends in person.

It's been nearly two months since I've been thrust back into singledom. Can I say it's gotten easier? I wish I could. I'm just more erratic now. I can go so quickly from being fine to having to double over from memories. How do I do this? How did I do this? It's like starting a new story. No matter how many stories you write, you always start the new one with a blank page, no prescribed instructions. It's a little terrifying each time. And even though I've been through the end of six relationships, I wonder how I ever did it. How did I fill the void that was left behind? How do I stop remembering everything? How am I supposed to imagine everything without him, when I had done everything with him?

J

An All Too Familiar Spot

So here I am again, wondering what happened. It's long nights again and a lot of What If?

I can't help but wonder why love is so elusive for some, but not for others. Some seem to fall right into it and it never stops. They just settle into a relationship and that's it--they go off into their little sunset.

Then there are some of us who think we're heading off into our sunset and get slapped again.

I'm trying my best not to sound bitter/frustrated/disgusted here. Maybe it'll be easier after a decent night's sleep. Whenever I'm able to get that...

Here we go again...

J

The Travel Bug

I'm ready for a trip. I'm getting a bit restless. The routine's getting to me; I need a little variation. But plane tickets are so expensive! It's ridiculous. For Mr. Man and I to fly to Phoenix (right next door to Austin), it's over $500! We could drive somewhere, but I'm not fond of Dallas and he doesn't want to go to Houston. I've got the travel bug and see no way of relieving it. There are several places I'd like to go. I want to head to San Diego and see my people there. Lord knows I want to see New York again soon. And I've been wanting to get back to New Orleans for years now. Oh well... I may just have to wait a few more months...

On a lighter note, I've began a new short story. Yes, yes, I should finish one of the several I'm already working on, but they'll still be there. I don't want to say much about this one because I'm just getting it out of my head (which means I'm laying down a crappy first draft), but it has promise. It just may work for the collection. More to come...

I need to get out of Austin!!

J

I'd Like to Teach, But I can't Afford To

I have to wonder... If schools are in such need of teachers, why is it so hard to become one?

I'm looking through teacher certification programs, and either they have rigid start times (which is understandable) or are expensive as hell (not so understandable). I found one program that costs $4,000! I never thought I'd be saying, "I'd like to teach, but I can't afford to." My best bet still seems to be the certification program with the Dallas district. The big problem there is that that would involve moving to Dallas. When I was single and had only myself to consider, that wouldn't be a problem (other than logistics). As things currently stand... I've looked into getting certified here in Austin. Seems I've missed the deadline and would have to wait till early next fall to get the process started.

I don't want to wait that long.

I want to teach.

Besides writing, it's the only thing I know would satisfy me. As much as I enjoy the company I work for, this is by no means a career move. It's a paycheck. Until I get into writing (well, getting paid for writing) or teaching, nothing's going to be a career move.

Is a little career fulfillment too much to ask for??

J

Feeling My Age Tonight (Oh, and Beat the Hell Out of OU)

It's Friday afternoon and of course the last couple of hours in the work day are dragging. But the weekend is almost here. The big OU game is tomorrow and I get some chance to rest. I swear, the weeks just get more and more hectic. Between work, trying to keep the house somewhat clean, and cooking, my days are eaten up. Well, I can't really complain about cooking because we all know I love working in the kitchen. I could do without all the cleaning, but I do tend to be on the domestic side of things, so it doesn't bother me as much as it may others.

Work continues to go well. It was a busy week, but everyone here's great. I've really warmed up to this place, and that usually takes some time for me. The employees actually consider this a team. It's not just a word management uses to try to inflate morale. I'm liking it here. Not crazy about the benefits packages available, but I found some cheaper, better ones online that I can buy for myself, so no worries.

So, tonight I'm going to my old high school's football game against our big rival. I'm looking forward to it, but NOT looking forward to feeling old. It should be fun. We're going with my sister and some of our friends. It'll be strange, though. I haven't been to a high school game in years, which is probably a good thing, considering I'm twelve years out of high school. Then it's off to my sister's for the usual Friday night beerfest. I can drown any lingering feelings of age-induced awkwardness with plenty of Tecate. Promises to be an interesting night.

Then THE game tomorrow. Hook 'em! Beat the hell out of OU!

Love to all (even if you are a sooner fan... heheh).

J

Smooth it Out

FINALLY at a new job. *HUGE sigh of relief* So I'm an administrative assistant again. Back to my brief, yet brilliant career as an AA when I first moved to CA. So far, so good. My manager is cool as hell--young, funny, laid-back, patient--anything you could ask for in a boss. And we get along personally, which is good, since as an AA, I have to work closely with the manager. There's a lot to learn, but I'm making my way up the learning curve, and my manager is giving me plenty of room and time to develop. My desk is already a mess of papers. And I have an Excel manual to review, so I definitely stay busy, for the most part. But a tiny bit of downtime here and there never killed anyone.

Still making the transition of living with someone again. I think the worst of the growing pains may be behind us. As with any relationship, there's been a rough patch, and there are smaller rough moments, but at the end of the day, we're doing all right. What's most important for me is that I be real about expectations, which isn't too hard for me since I've already lived with someone before. I know very well the pitfalls involved, and I know how much people can annoy each other in tight quarters. So I'm willing to ride out the small problems and see how the wrinkles get ironed out.

Overall, things are OK. As usual, I'm hesitant to say so. I feel like I'm just inviting the big cosmic bus to come run me over by saying that, But I had a moment yesterday when I was driving home for lunch: it was sunny, I was in my good work clothes (forgive the corniness here), I know I've got a good paycheck coming, I've got a good man, I like my job, and I realized, things are OK--finally. Hopefully, we're heading toward smoother times, personally and financially. Lord knows we've put in our dues.

Oh, and we have a bed! Finally. Sleeping on an air mattress for a month and a half is draining, especially when it deflates through the night. Who knew a bed was such a luxury?

I hope all is just as well with everyone else.

J